A glimpse into Jorge's mind
Saturday night wasn't all that great. We got into a major argument. I had been feeling frisky all day and teasing him most of the day. Even in public, it was fun, I really enjoyed teasing him. I was sure I'd be ready to go as soon as we got home. Unfortunately, I was too exhausted and just wasn't all that into it.
Jorge was trying to get me all happy with my toys. It just didn't help. I don't know what was wrong. I got frustrated bc I couldn't finish with something that usually helps so fast. Well, Jorge thought my frustration was because of him and he let it all out from there.
He told me that it wasn't his fault that he couldn't make me happy. He said that he was sorry and asked if that's why I went elsewhere. He told me that sex was a way for me to show him that I love him. Whereas, sex is the last important thing for me. It's not the way to show your love. If anything, it's the last way to show your love. It's like an extra benefit.
I knew better than that. I knew it was coming. Questions about my affair. I apologized to him and told him that I just didn't understand what was wrong with me. I don't know why I don't get excited or have orgasms. It just hasn't happened on it's own. I don't care to play with toys, if he wants to fine. If not, we were married 7 years before we really started introducing them. It doesn't matter to me.
I sat in a corner and started crying. I finally gave up. I told him that I couldn't handle it anymore. I told him that no matter what happens, I hope he finds a good person to care for my children. I can't do it anymore. I'm not a good mother. I know I'm not a good role model. I admitted to him that I've had lots of bad thoughts pop into my head. I knew he was never going to forgive me. Or at least he wasn't ever going to let me forget it. Heck, I know I have to pay for the rest of my life for what I did. I told him that I knew it wasn't fair to him if I ended my life. At least my pain would be over, but his wouldn't. All of the pain I caused him, I deserve to live in this hell for repayment.
He told me that he was sorry and that he didn't want me to suffer. He also told me that sometimes he feels like driving off the interstate and crashing into a bridge. He said that he wants to end his life too, but knows that our children need us. He said that no one should ever have to replace us. I asked him if that's the only reason he won't leave me, so he wouldn't have to find a replacement. He told me that he loved me with all of his heart and doesn't mean to take out his anger on me.
I told him that it hurts me when my friends tell me how much their husband tells them he loves her and how proud he is. Jorge said that he thought I knew he was proud of me. He said he doesn't care what I did anymore. He said that he doesn't mean to keep bringing it up. He said that he wants help. That he thought he could do it on his own, but he now knows that he can't. He knows that I'm working hard on changing myself. He said that he thinks I'm a wonderful person and that he feels that he doesn't deserve me.
He said that regardless of what I've done to him, he loves me so much and doesn't hate me. He said that he is hurt and knows that he'll one day have to forgive me. He said it's hard to let me back in, because he had put so much trust into me. He said that we had to trust each other from the beginning. He said that he knows he left me to be all alone and to raise the kids on my own. He said he wasn't excusing what I've done to him, but, he knows that he had a lot of fault. Had he been the best husband and I cheated on him, he might feel differently towards me.
He told me that his father never hugged him and never told him that he loved him. He just wasn't raised like that. He knows that it's not fair to our children that he neglect them or to not love them the way a father should. He wasn't raised like that and is just trying to change it. He said his dad would smack him around and make him work his butt off to earn a few bucks a day to be able to spend for necessary expenses.
We hugged and cried together. Jorge cried the hardest. He said that he doesn't mean to punish me. He said that he still hurts, but he also thinks that I've suffered enough. He said that he hasn't been there for me during my suffering over the past few months. He sees that I've dropped everything and am trying to put my family before myself. It's why I have been losing weight.
He promised change, again. We'll see.
Sunday night, we had plans to go to a Fall festival at a local church. He decided he was too tired and we weren't going to go (we had gone to Chuck E Cheese's earlier in the day). I got into talking to my mom and heard about a play on Sleepy Hollow in a local park. I told her we would meet her there and later go to the haunted house. When I got off the phone, Jorge was just looking at me. He says, "Were you asking me or just telling me?" I didn't even want to argue, I called my mom and made up some lie as to why I couldn't go. Then I blew up on Jorge. How dare he try to control my relationship with my mom. I couldn't believe it. We didn't talk much about it, other than his apology. I said, "Whatever." And that was that.
Jorge was trying to get me all happy with my toys. It just didn't help. I don't know what was wrong. I got frustrated bc I couldn't finish with something that usually helps so fast. Well, Jorge thought my frustration was because of him and he let it all out from there.
He told me that it wasn't his fault that he couldn't make me happy. He said that he was sorry and asked if that's why I went elsewhere. He told me that sex was a way for me to show him that I love him. Whereas, sex is the last important thing for me. It's not the way to show your love. If anything, it's the last way to show your love. It's like an extra benefit.
I knew better than that. I knew it was coming. Questions about my affair. I apologized to him and told him that I just didn't understand what was wrong with me. I don't know why I don't get excited or have orgasms. It just hasn't happened on it's own. I don't care to play with toys, if he wants to fine. If not, we were married 7 years before we really started introducing them. It doesn't matter to me.
I sat in a corner and started crying. I finally gave up. I told him that I couldn't handle it anymore. I told him that no matter what happens, I hope he finds a good person to care for my children. I can't do it anymore. I'm not a good mother. I know I'm not a good role model. I admitted to him that I've had lots of bad thoughts pop into my head. I knew he was never going to forgive me. Or at least he wasn't ever going to let me forget it. Heck, I know I have to pay for the rest of my life for what I did. I told him that I knew it wasn't fair to him if I ended my life. At least my pain would be over, but his wouldn't. All of the pain I caused him, I deserve to live in this hell for repayment.
He told me that he was sorry and that he didn't want me to suffer. He also told me that sometimes he feels like driving off the interstate and crashing into a bridge. He said that he wants to end his life too, but knows that our children need us. He said that no one should ever have to replace us. I asked him if that's the only reason he won't leave me, so he wouldn't have to find a replacement. He told me that he loved me with all of his heart and doesn't mean to take out his anger on me.
I told him that it hurts me when my friends tell me how much their husband tells them he loves her and how proud he is. Jorge said that he thought I knew he was proud of me. He said he doesn't care what I did anymore. He said that he doesn't mean to keep bringing it up. He said that he wants help. That he thought he could do it on his own, but he now knows that he can't. He knows that I'm working hard on changing myself. He said that he thinks I'm a wonderful person and that he feels that he doesn't deserve me.
He said that regardless of what I've done to him, he loves me so much and doesn't hate me. He said that he is hurt and knows that he'll one day have to forgive me. He said it's hard to let me back in, because he had put so much trust into me. He said that we had to trust each other from the beginning. He said that he knows he left me to be all alone and to raise the kids on my own. He said he wasn't excusing what I've done to him, but, he knows that he had a lot of fault. Had he been the best husband and I cheated on him, he might feel differently towards me.
He told me that his father never hugged him and never told him that he loved him. He just wasn't raised like that. He knows that it's not fair to our children that he neglect them or to not love them the way a father should. He wasn't raised like that and is just trying to change it. He said his dad would smack him around and make him work his butt off to earn a few bucks a day to be able to spend for necessary expenses.
We hugged and cried together. Jorge cried the hardest. He said that he doesn't mean to punish me. He said that he still hurts, but he also thinks that I've suffered enough. He said that he hasn't been there for me during my suffering over the past few months. He sees that I've dropped everything and am trying to put my family before myself. It's why I have been losing weight.
He promised change, again. We'll see.
Sunday night, we had plans to go to a Fall festival at a local church. He decided he was too tired and we weren't going to go (we had gone to Chuck E Cheese's earlier in the day). I got into talking to my mom and heard about a play on Sleepy Hollow in a local park. I told her we would meet her there and later go to the haunted house. When I got off the phone, Jorge was just looking at me. He says, "Were you asking me or just telling me?" I didn't even want to argue, I called my mom and made up some lie as to why I couldn't go. Then I blew up on Jorge. How dare he try to control my relationship with my mom. I couldn't believe it. We didn't talk much about it, other than his apology. I said, "Whatever." And that was that.
posted by Tara @ 4:28 PM
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