Whatever....part 1

Whatever. I'm at a stage where I don't really care. Life sucks, I don't know. I don't know why I can't leave him. I don't know why I'm so attracted to him, or is it some mental/emotional thing? I wish I could do it. In a way, I'm almost afraid. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of living life without him. I don't know if I could. Even though he shreds my heart to pieces every night, I still wake up aching for him to love me, just a little bit, at least for today. Or to at least forgive me. I feel like I deserve this, just for everything I've done to him. God is punishing me. The lyrics for the hate me song? Just 'cause that song comes down to my level and makes me feel good, in a bad way, in my little hole. I've watched the video about 10 times in the last two hours and have listened to the song over and over and over again. I have been extremely emotional over the last few weeks. It's hard seeing my friend Patti pregnant. She's due right about the same time I was due. Everytime she mentions something about her baby, I burst into tears. I've come to accept the fact that I'll never have children again. Jorge had a vasectomy last year and even though I became pregnant after the affair, Jorge agreed to have his vasectomy reversed so we could try. The problem? I knew it was going to be a replacement. That wouldn't be fair to anybody. Just bc of my mistakes and my selfishness, I can't bring anymore children into this world. It's feeling like I've had my womanhood taken away from me. Maybe that's why I've let him take advantage of me. In hopes that the one sperm that gets away, will be there for me. I've had nightmares over the last few weeks. I cry on the drop of a dime. I don't know what it is with me this week. The other day in my bible study, I soaked 3 kleenexes in an hour an a half. They were soaked with my tears only. In the daytime, I'm one person, full of life, I talk to people, I hang out with my children, I laugh and play. At night, it's dark. I'm cold. It's then that everything becomes worse. I think of my baby. I miss my baby. When I see my children, I only think of them. But as soon as they are out of my sight, I feel like I'm all alone. I am nothing without my children. I am dirt. I don't feel I deserve to live. Jorge's already told me that I don't deserve to be his wife. That he deserves better. Why can't I leave? Sometimes I just want to step off the edge of the earth; but I still can't find it. I lose sleep at night, I don't eat, 'cause I'm always running to try and jump off that cliff. Sometimes I think my children would be better off without me, but, I realize they would be worse with him. The only reason I've stuck it out for this long, is for them. They are my heart. When I told him that, he said that I was finally thinking of my children, but obviously wasn't when I had my affair. Hmph, guess he'll never forget, never forgive me. I'll be punished for the rest of my life. I feel like I deserve to live in his hell. My world is supposed to revolve around him