Calling Him
Many may bash me for this. But, sometimes when Jorge and I fight. I feel like calling "him." You know who "he" is, and it's not Jorge.
I don't want to call him to talk to him. I want to call him out of anger. If he hadn't been there, if he hadn't caved in with me, if he hadn't agreed with me, if he hadn't pushed me into it by trying to play "chicken" with me.
I've never talked to him again since Jorge found out. As much as I've wanted to call him, I haven't brought myself to do it. He called me several times in a few hours one night in July. I pretended to not know who it was, even though I did. I answered and told him it was the wrong number the first time, then Jorge made me turn off my phone. The next morning, Jorge turned on my phone and checked my messages. It was him, he said, 'Tara, I wanted to apologize for everything that happened. I wanted to tell you thank you and that I love you. I've always loved you and only want the best for you." Always loved me? We only knew each other for a little over a month. How could you love me?
The more I've been in my bible study, the more I've realized that, I was taken advantage of, when I was at my lowest. I'm not blaming it all on him, had I not been so vulnerable, nothing would have ever happened.
I have his phone number in Mexico, it's hidden. I want to call him, but, I know that I will be disobeying and harming my husband again. Even though Jorge keeps hurting me, he doesn't deserve me to lie to him again.
I don't think, but hope I never act on the want to call him. I've tried tossing his number, but, I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I need to toss it. It's not in someplace that I'll see it constantly. It's pretty hidden, from myself. I've only seen it once, and that was when I hid it. I've wanted to tell Jorge, but, I've already exposed everything else, I kinda want to keep something to myself.
It just feels good to get that out. Bash me, hate me, be disgusted with me. But, at least it's no longer a secret I'm keeping to myself.
I don't want to call him to talk to him. I want to call him out of anger. If he hadn't been there, if he hadn't caved in with me, if he hadn't agreed with me, if he hadn't pushed me into it by trying to play "chicken" with me.
I've never talked to him again since Jorge found out. As much as I've wanted to call him, I haven't brought myself to do it. He called me several times in a few hours one night in July. I pretended to not know who it was, even though I did. I answered and told him it was the wrong number the first time, then Jorge made me turn off my phone. The next morning, Jorge turned on my phone and checked my messages. It was him, he said, 'Tara, I wanted to apologize for everything that happened. I wanted to tell you thank you and that I love you. I've always loved you and only want the best for you." Always loved me? We only knew each other for a little over a month. How could you love me?
The more I've been in my bible study, the more I've realized that, I was taken advantage of, when I was at my lowest. I'm not blaming it all on him, had I not been so vulnerable, nothing would have ever happened.
I have his phone number in Mexico, it's hidden. I want to call him, but, I know that I will be disobeying and harming my husband again. Even though Jorge keeps hurting me, he doesn't deserve me to lie to him again.
I don't think, but hope I never act on the want to call him. I've tried tossing his number, but, I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I need to toss it. It's not in someplace that I'll see it constantly. It's pretty hidden, from myself. I've only seen it once, and that was when I hid it. I've wanted to tell Jorge, but, I've already exposed everything else, I kinda want to keep something to myself.
It just feels good to get that out. Bash me, hate me, be disgusted with me. But, at least it's no longer a secret I'm keeping to myself.
posted by Tara @ 5:17 PM
1 Comments:
At 9:57 PM,
The Cat said…
Tara, I understand. You have no idea how much I understand. You're doing well. But be really strong and get rid of the number. You will never ever need it. I know how hard this is....but I think you can do it.
Hang on in there babe. Love your man with everything you've got and it will work in the end. And if somehow it doesn't, you can still know in your heart that you gave it everything.
I wish you all the best of luck Tara.
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