Went to my PCP

He's such an awesome doctor to sit and be able to talk to. I have been seeing him for 7 years now. Anywho, I told him all of my problems and how I couldn't concentrate, my brain has been flipping back and forth, I've had a hard time making decisions....breakdowns, meltdowns, no sleep, too much sleep, blah blah blah. He listened. Then I told him that I knew his wife-she was my Bible Study Facilitator. He was so happy. He said that I'm already past half of my depression. I said that I've been able to admit I have a problem, I've been able to link my depression with this year's issues and I've already laid it all out and put a lot of it in God's hands. He said that sometimes we still need a little bit of a help and reassured me that it was only temporary.
He had me fill out a questionnaire, asking questions about my behavior, feelings, thoughts, symptoms, so on. When he read over it and "graded it", he diagnosed me as being officially: Depressed, with anxiety, and a little bit of OCD. He said that the depression and anxiety come hand in hand. He said my OCD could be why I have a hard time getting other things done. . Has he seen my house?? I thought people with OCD had clean houses???? okay, that's not really funny.
But, he took me off the Lexapro, he said the lexapro was kinda along the same lines as Prozac, and he doesn't consider me to be that serious of a case. He did put me on 50 mg of Zoloft for 15 days. Then he'll up me to 100mg (I already have the rx for that). I go back in 6 weeks. Don't worry, I've already had my Zoloft 50mg filled and start them in the morning.In the meantime, he said I need to start getting into church regularly again, attending Sunday school to be able to fellowship (which the end of my bible study threw me off). He also recommended me getting together with friends who have children like me and maintaining those friendships and keeping them healthy. He said that somebody like me needs friendship and fellowship.
So, that's it. I didn't want to tell Jorge-but did after my mom agreed to give me the money for the appointment. Jorge wasn't thrilled, but, he said if it was what I needed, he'd be there to support me.

Still trying to take a break

So today is Sunday. It is now 145 and I have had 2 complete meltdowns in the last 48 hours. 2 meltdowns where Jorge had to peel me off the floor or the bed. That's about 3 meltdowns total in the last 4 days. I was still sobbing uncontrollably and Jorge was trying to help. He finally got frustrated and was ready to give up. Then all of a sudden he grabbed me and literally peeled me off the bed and just hugged me tight and told me he was going to be there for me. I hope so. Life is just so hard right now. I think my meds are finally starting to kick in. I've been able to get out of bed today and feel totally rested and had clear thoughts. For a few days, I felt like my mind was just flipping through channels. Today, so far, I've been able to go grocery shopping, wash a load of laundry, wash dishes, and make lunch. I hope it's getting better. The thoughts I was having were very scary.

I've just about had it...

with life that is. I'm so blue and depressed right now. I feel very weak (physically), it's even hard to just sit here and type. My muscles are twitching, my eyes are droopy, my stomach hurts, I'm dizzy. All of these are pretty much side effects from my antidepressants. I'm back on them. They're totally screwing me up, but something is seriously wrong with me.
Last night, I couldn't even think of one thing. I couldn't concentrate, I guess. I was trying to think and concentrate on just one thing. I couldn't. When I pictured, in my mind, me calling the doctor just to set an appointment, I burst into tears. We're not talking just tears running silently down my cheeks, I'm talking, full out sobbing, body shaking. I couldn't stop crying. Jorge had to practically peel me off the living room floor and force me to take a shower. I just didn't feel the strength to get up. This was after my mom came and said she was going to stay at her house with her husband......
I wasn't even thinking about them, I wasn't thinking of all my issues, I wasn't thinking about money or even housework....that's the deal. I couldn't concentrate. I slept in until 800. That's the time the kids are supposed to be to school. I took them to school and realized that today ws ssupposed to be pj day for Lucy. So, I had to run to the store and buy her a pair so she wouldn't feel left out. The teachers knew something were wrong and kept asking me to go home. I didn't want to.
Nobody realizes how easy it is to let your world around you cave in. Sometimes I feel like my kids deserve better. If i just wasn't here, I'd be better, they'd be better.......life for everybody would be better. Jorge wouldn't have to peel me off the ground, and could instead roll around happily with the kids.
I don't know. I know I'm going back and forth between being okay and just dying. I dont' know how to make it stop. Right now, I just want to go fall asleep. Falling asleep sounds real good right about now.................................

A little update

Mom called to tell me that she was letting him pick up my sister to spend a few hours with her. He still has to have her back by 830, but at least they're getting somewhere.
That has lifted a little bit of this fog.....
Jorge also called to tell me that he can't work tomorrow or Saturday, so he'll be home all day, both days. Time for "us". We'll probably go out to eat tomorrow and watch a movie. Just "us" time. He also mentioned (again) since he has the day off tomorrow, we can probably drive around and look for local work for him. He said that he knows his work is contributing to our money problems. He knows working long distance is damaging our financial situation too...........

I stepped out today......

I finally stepped out of the house today, after about 3 days of trapping myself indoors. It helped, a little bit. I left and picked up the kids, stopped by Mcdonalds. Then a friend called, maybe she wasn't the best person to talk to, but, it helped. I drove around for the hour I talked to her. I drove and parked in the Walmart parking lot, then drove and parked in the Thrift store parking lot....then I drove back to Walmart and waited until I got off the phone with her. I wasn't thinking straight, so I was driving in circles. We made plans to go out and eat lunch next week.
This is the same lady that I gave "his" phone number too. She said that they got a message a few weeks ago from me, asking for his number back. She asked if I still felt I needed it.......she said she would be happy to relay any messages to him, but only if she felt them extremely important. I told her (and don't think I've mentioned anything lately) that sometimes I think about "him" and what "he" thought/thinks about the whole situation. We never said good bye to each other, the relationship just ended that same day Jorge found out. It's almost like, sometimes I feel we....no, "I" need closure. But I'm not going to go down that path again. That's what happened in the first place. When Jorge started to neglect me the most, I turned to someone else.
I will not make that same mistake!!
I told her that I must have been going through that phase at that time. I said it passed within a few days. I was angry with him by the end and just felt the need to cuss him out. I told her to not obey me when I and if I ever ask for the number. She completely agrees with me and has promised to not even relay messages or discuss me with him.
I don't know if it matters, but it does make me feel a little better.
On another note.....Steven asked for another baby last night. Jorge just looked at me and laughed. With my mom's crazy issues, it hasn't given Jorge and I enough time to discuss our problems. I don't know if that's good or bad, but, at least we're just here comforting each other (somewhat). We haven't really had enough time to fight about our problems. I can't even really say if "we've" had problems. I've had issues. Jorge has just stood there most of the week. He hugs me when I cry, steps aside when I'm just being flat out weird........

I'm baaaaaaaack!!!!

To my black hole, that is. I just feel so black.....so depressed. I don't know why anymore. My mom's divorce is affecting me horribly. I don't even like the dude and I'm crying all the time. I think what she's doing right now, is like deja vu for me. They have been reminding me of the bitter divorce between her and my father. It is really making me sad. Jorge said that we've almost been there. Thing is, "almost", we're not there yet. We're still living together, so we're chosing to be stupid and try and stick it out.
I've been sleeping in real late; yesterday I slept in until 4pm. Granted, I did a few things throughout the day, I had kids with me, they had to eat. I bathed the kids, I cleaned house, swept the carpet (the belt broke on my vc), washed dishes, even cleaned out a closet. I took the kids to get some donuts, they ate supper, had dessert, watched a movie, did homework and were put in bed.
I was in bed by 1100 but I wasn't ready to go to bed. I couldn't stop crying. Jorge asked me what was wrong and I told him I wasn't sure, I was just so sad. So he asked if I took my "pills". Hahahahahaha, I wish those really worked. If they could take away my problems, I'd od on them. But reality is, they won't. Nothing will get better. I just have to stick it out.
Problem is, it is so much more comfy in my dark hole. Everybody knows that I like it there. Most won't ask what is wrong, so I can be by myself. So if I disappear, you know where I went.

Where to pick up.......

So, some interesting things have happened over the last few weeks.
First off, Saturday, Jorge pushed me to go ahead and go to Atlanta to spend the night with my mom, the kids and with my 12 year old sister who was celebrating her 12th birthday. He hasn't even had enough trust in me lately to even let me go somewhere by myself. And to let me stay the night by myself....in another city. Just weird.
So, we fought all evening Saturday night on the phone. Then when I tried calling him throughout the night, he never picked up. Finally, about 4am, he called to say that he had been asleep and accused me of not calling him. Who knows.
So, I spent the time over there and started heading home. For some reason, things didn't seem right. I started thinking about some of the stuff that Jorge has been doing lately. He has been shaving on almost a daily basis-whereas it used to be once a week to week and a half. He has been constantly watching his weight, what he eats.....so on, so forth. I started making myself angry and started crying.
When I got home, I found out that Jorge had ironed some of his nicest western clothes, shined his cowboy boots, and put on his cowboy hat. This is very weird for him to do. He can't even take out his own damn work clothes. He has never cared about having wrinkled clothes. I've been asking him for months to take me out dancing......when we go out to eat, I ask him to dress up and he says it's not important. He always wears tennis shoes, jeans, and a shirt-usually wrinkled.
I started letting this stuff swirl in my head.......it's just not like him. So, he pushed me to go stay by myself, he didn't answer his phone all night, he shaved, ironed his nicest clothes. So then I ask him what he did, why he ironed. He said he didn't know, he just felt like it. When I asked him where he went, he said to the cingular wireless store. I asked if that was it, and he said yes. When I sat staring at him, he said that he did go out to eat, at a Mexican restaurant. I asked who he went with and he said by himself. He went to this Mexican restaurant where there's this girl we always fight about. He's always looking at her.
So, he dresses all nice, shaves, is all alone-not risking me seeing him, and he goes out to eat at this place where he knows I hate taking him, even while I'm there. I don't even know what to think anymore. When the details of my affair came out, he told me that he always had the chance to cheat on me. He would tell me that girls would always talk to him but he'd ignore them.
I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I just feel that he's been acting too weird lately. He hasn't even cared to have sex with me, he just hasn't been interested. I'm worried that he's up to no good. I can't help it. I have reason to believe he's doing something. Whether he's just looking, trying to look good, trying to impress......or if he actually has somebody, I don't even know if I want to know. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm supposed to stay here, even if he cheats on me. Like I owe him one. I can't stop feeling this way.
I haven't had time to mention anything to him though....with my mom getting ready to go through a divorce, moving in with us......that hasn't helped me in my situation.
I've practically ditched my friends, just so I could stop and try and figure things out for a little while.