Got to make a part 3

That other post was proving too long.....plus, I'm veering off track.
Anywho, shortly after the details of the affair were revealed, we were served with the papers of the foreclosure. Instead of thinking about my health, or our marriage, he was working to try and get that money together. Now, Jorge would normally make way over what we needed in one month, but with all of the coming home, missing work bc he was depressed......I also went to stay with him in Columbia. That was a cost of $200 a week for hotels for us. Plus, I had a lot of traveling back and forth from Greenville for Doctor appointments for the pregnancy, plus the cost of the appts, and I had appointments and costs for counselors. Which took all of our money.
We finally realized that the hotel was costing too much, we were too stressed. We talked and decided that sending me to Mexico, to stay with his mom, was a much better decision. He could work and make money, without having to worry 'bout where I was or what I was doing. Then he decided that he didn't trust me enough, but since he had already told his mom we were going, we still had to go . So all of the money he made, went towards the trip. We had paid our mortgage and got that settled, but by going to Mexico, that started putting us behind again. We made one month payment September (still behind a month), waited until the end of October(paid one more month), so that put us behind two.
That's where we are now.
The point was, that I realize that my affair, has caused our finances to go out of control. With the extra expenses of hotels, gas, doctor's appointments, days he missed bc he was too stressed, our trips to the beach and Mexico, my Dad coming.......
If I had had my head on straight, I would still have a job. That's why we got the house, 'cause we knew we could afford it with my income too. Not only that, we had health insurance. Now we don't have any health insurance and probably won't be able to get any. I was offered a job that paid more than $30,000, had all sorts of benefits, so on so forth. Jorge said he didn't trust me enough. I've been offered other jobs, but can't take them, bc of my affair. He said that he doesn't trust me to work out of the home. He can't trust me. I understand where he's coming from, but we're struggling horribly. He can't look past that to say, Okay, maybe for a little while, but set more rules. I don't want to put us in that position. I love my husband. But, we may end up with just the clothes on our back if we don't do something now.
One of my sister's has a birthday this weekend and we were supposed to go to Atlanta to celebrate it with her. We've known about it for over 2 months. We were going to spend all day Saturday with her and have her party on Sunday (she lives with her father). Then Jorge asked me last night, if we really had to go. This is an 11 year old. For her big sister to miss a special day, that's going to be rough. then he asked if we had to rent a hotel room Saturday night, well, where else are we going to stay? He said that he had promised his boss he was going to work on Saturday. I also asked him if we could leave the kids with mom and go dancing in Atlanta (which is where we met), he said, "No, we don't have enough money." I asked if that meant we wouldn't have enough for the trip, and he said yup. That was it.
I don't know what to do, thing, or say anymore. He's not wanting to see the other problems we're having right now. He won't let me work. I'm scared of where we're going to end up.
So, if I disappear all of a sudden, it's bc our internet has been cut off. I'm afraid to mention that on the board. I don't want to take my problems back there. I can probably count on less than one hand how many people read my blog (and they're only from the board), but, I just don't want my problems taking over the board again. I still haven't forgiven myself for all of the drama that I caused before.........

Trouble in our home, part 2

We're moving onto another issue in the same subject, which caused the new post.
For the past few days, the finance issues have been bugging me so much, I think I'm going into a depressed state. I've also been very talkative, but I think it's out of sheer nervousness, or just frustration.
Last night, it hit me......why I've been so depressed. Our financial issues, all pretty much stem from the affair. Hard to believe, huh? While I was making friends at my new job, meeting "him", I started ignoring more important things around the house. I'd talk to "him" until 3, 4, or 5 am, get a few hours of sleep, rush the kids to school, then go to work at the restaurant. I probably could have made a lot more in tips, but I was busy chatting with my newfound friends......."he" only worked weekends.
I started the job in April, which was the first month of our mortgage we missed. I got so wrapped up in working, I never thought twice about it. May rolled around, the friendship started getting more deep. I would drop everything to run up to the restaurant and see him......I'd forget to pay this bill or that bill. May's payment was missed. But it was missed bc Jorge wasn't working as much. Jorge and I started having marital issues, he practically moved out several times, but we'd always end up back together. That was the month things got really heated up; since Jorge and I were having more problems, I'd run to "him".
At the end of the month/June, was the actual "affair" and by "affair, I mean, the sexual encounter. Saying that, actually makes me gag now. It makes me cringe. I hate that thought. Well, June 6th, Jorge packed his crap and loaded his truck and drove to Columbia, not because of the "affair", but bc I decided that I was happier without him and he without me. Jorge came back home that night, but we were still fighting. I wanted to go out and he didn't. I told him I'd think about it and he said he was going to sleep. I ended up going out and hanging out with "him" at that party-which was at a bar. I went back to his house and fell asleep on his couch, but didn't do anything-because I was already feeling guilty. When I left his house at 6am, I went back to my house to find Jorge awake, sitting on the couch. I told him I stayed the night at a "friends" house, but, he didn't know of the affair, yet. We talked and talked and decided to try and make things work. We headed to the beach that weekend, which made us spend even more money. We were trying to patch up our relationship. I wanted to tell him of the affair, but couldn't.
Then I found out I was pregnant. And from that point on, everything changed. Jorge and I stayed that first night together, but in a hotel room-$$$. The next day, Jorge went to Columbia, with all of his stuff. He didn't work most of the day, so $$$000. That night, we talked and talked on the phone, I was in between going back and forth to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy, more $$. When we decided we wanted to be together, he said he would stand behind me and work towards forgiving me, he rushed home that same night.
Jorge has been home every night since that night. He has spent over $500 a week in gas to be coming back and forth every night. There are two reasons he comes home.......one, because I asked him to. We fell apart bc we were never together. 2, because of his trust for me. He knew he could never trust me again and this was the only way it could work. I have come to realize though, he doesn't come home for "us", he comes home bc he wants to make sure of what I'm doing (or not doing). We've gotten into several arguments and he always talks about he can stay in Columbia, but he doesn't. In which he has admitted, he doesn't trust me enough to leave me alone. I mentioned that I had talked to an old friend several weeks ago. That right there, was like a dagger to him. And turned out to be one for me too. He told me that it was our agreement that I could no longer have "male friends". He said that I obviously don't know where friendships end, and have shown that I'm not capable of making smart decisions in friendships with males.....(believe it or not, this happened in early November).

Trouble in our home, part 1

Just need to vent a little bit. About finances. I really don't want to just come out in public about this. Jorge and I are really going through some difficult times right now. Financial, of course. He has been doing block work, which pays considerably less than what brickwork does. After a few months, he finally told his boss that he had to be paid a certain amount every week, or wouldn't be able to continue. His boss said no prob.
It makes me so upset that Jorge couldn't just quit and come back home. This throws us off so bad. He doesn't realize what kind of a financial bind this is putting us in. I don't even know what to think or say anymore. When I am thinking about finances, I try not to tell him. He finally bugs me enough that I tell him that we have to pay such and such this week. He gets all defensive and says that money is the only thing I can think about, I don't think about how hard he works. Or he tells me that when he's upset, it's because I brought up finances and only causes him to think about those nonstop. He pushes me to talk to him, but then he doesn't want to hear it. When I tell him that I've had enough with having to be the one responsible to pay everything, he apologizes and says he'll think about me more.
Jorge never looks at one bill. When I tell him we owe something, he brushes me off, or asks how far past the due date we can go. If I call him to tell him we have to pay something today, he says that money is all I think about.
I hate to admit it, but, we have never been so far behind on our finances. How bad is it? Our mortgage is pushing it's 3rd month behind. Which means foreclosure if they don't receive something by tomorrow. After tomorrow, they won't accept a payment and will start foreclosure. The sad thing? Our home has already gone into foreclosure once....and we've only lived here a year and a half. We had to pay over $6000 to get everything situated and keep our house.
Well, in order to pay that $6000, we had to take out 2 car loans-one on my mom's car and another one on our truck, and we had to borrow $1000 from a good friend. We had no choice but to pay her back right away......she had been laid off. Then Jorge decides to go to Mexico, takes the money we were supposed to use to pay the loans, and use it for the trip. That put us behind $3000 more. So that meant, we were behind already, by $8000. Now, we're behind on our mortgage, on one of the loan payments. We're behind 2 months on my van, pushing the 3rd now. We were behind on our cellphones, which got cut off, making us switch to prepaid. We couldn't afford the $1200 to pay the amount due on the cellphones (which was only 2 months btw). Our electricity, water/gas has been cut off every month for the past several months. Which meant, scrape up money or borrow to pay those. You can't fall behind on those payments though. The house phone, was disconnected 2 weeks ago, 'cause the bill was $300. Which means, our internet will probably be cut off if we don't pay it by the weekend.
We have made a monthly payment on our house and van, but that only pays one month that we're behind, and then just throws another month. Does that make sense?? We've made one payment a month, but not enough to take us out of danger.
I'm so beyond stressed....it's ridiculous.

If I'm gone for awhile.......

I'm sorry. I really don't want to post anything on our birth board. I'm sorry. I just don't want to bore anyone with the details over there......I already know what the first thing will be that pops into their heads.
Jorge and I are just at a very difficult time again. Jorge said something last night and it just made me flip out. It was just a very snide remark that was very unnecessary. My Dad was missing and we were frantically searching for him, at least I was. Jorge had to make a very rude comment (pertaining to the affair) in trying to "help" the search for my father. He was recommending we look in a certain spot.....Anywho. He knew that it was wrong. It was very very wrong. Especially considering that we've been doing just fine.
From that point, everything went wrong. After my mom found my Dad, we started driving home. Then mom called to say she was out of gas, so we had to flip around and get her some gas. He knew I was pissed and kept saying mean things. When we finally got home, he said that he didn't know why I was mad. He said that if I didn't enjoy it or love it (the time of the affair), then it shouldn't hurt or be considered mean, when he makes comment like those. He said if I really regretted it, then I should agree with him making comments and not get upset.
It was just so wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. He also called me a Bitch last night. So wrong. I've done what I can to prove myself to him. I've given up every right as a woman and a mom to please him. He prayed night and day that my pregnancy would disappear......and it happened. He got his prayers and wishes. He still wasn't happy. I just don't understand.
So, anyway, if I'm gone for a little while, that's why. I'm trying not to get online, that way I don't have to bore anybody with the rest of the details of my misery. Nobody else deserves to go through it. I'll come online and try and keep up, but, to have normal conversation, I don't think I can do right now.
I have been so depressed. I went back on my antidepressants. I don't know why this has bothered me so much. I keep breaking out in tears. I can't stop crying. I cried all night long. I've been crying all morning. I don't know why I can't stop crying. It hurts so bad. I feel so alone.

Not forgiven, still angry...................

So, I finally got him to spill the beans the other night. I asked him again and he didn't answer me. When I told him it was important for me to know if he still has a lot of anger, he took a deep breath.
Then he said,
"Sometimes. But I love you so much. I know you're doing everything you can and you're such a wonderful person and wife now. I just don't think it's fair if I continue to tell you I'm still angry with you. I just refuse to make you miserable again. I know you love me and I love you. We're here, we're working things out, that's all that matters."
I was a little upset. I don't know why. For him, it's not important for him to forgive me. By staying with me, he's showing me he loves me enough to work past it and move on. For me, I feel like he's doing it bc he has nowhere else to go or bc he doesn't have a choice. He's pushing it to the back of his mind bc he doesn't want to face the truth.
I guess I have to look at it in a positive way though. He is with me. He does love me. He hasn't been pushing it on me or reminding me of my mistakes lately. I just hate that he has to think about it day in and day out and won't tell me when it's bothering him.
I guess he has all of the details and there's nothing else to discuss.
I just hope he can forgive me one day. I'm doing everything I can. I asked him what I could for him that would make him forgive me. What did he say?
"Just baby me and show me you love me."
Is that really all it's going to take? I'm not so sure he's telling the truth.
Let me clarify this though, we're still doing great. I did get upset with him yesterday, but only 'cause he was picking on me. He likes teasing me to make me mad. I did get mad and he apologized when he realized I was really upset and hurt by the things he did and what he said. So, we're still doing good.

Things are still going great......

I have a lot to be thankful for this holiday. Since my last post, I can honestly say that Jorge and I have been doing wonderful. I started "you know what" this week and Jorge did get upset that we couldn't do anything, but, he didn't mean to. He gets frustrated when he wants to do something and I can't. I told him that he needed to understand this and he apologized.
We have not really fought. We haven't had many disagreements. Things are just kinda going with the flow right now. We had that naming service last week and he was a shoulder to cry on. He even had tears and cried along with me.
I absolutely love and adore my husband. He is one of the best men I've ever known. He is also very strong to have lived through what I put him through. It is not something I'm proud of......but.....I am proud to call him my husband.
He know asks me if he's failing in any areas and is quick to correct himself if he sees I'm upset or we can't come to an agreement. Is this all a dream?? Are things going to go sour again real quick? Maybe he's in denial? I don't know. He had his period of anger and I thought he already went through denial. Maybe this is his forgiveness stage?? I hope so. He doesn't deny anything happened. When a situation came up recently, about a friend I mentioned, he got defensive and told me that we had come to an agreement and he expected me to keep my part. He can honestly say "affair" and not flip out. He doesn't say that an affair didn't take place, he no longer asks for a reason or an explanation. He blames himself for part, saying he wasn't around enough that he knows he was failing and refused to give me the love and attention I begged for. I don't feel right for saying that he was correct. I told him that no matter where he was failing, that didn't give me the right to have an affair.
I did ask him last night if he is still angry with me over the affair. He was not able to answer. He was watching television though, so, I'm hoping he was just wrapped up in the movie. When I turned around and started sniffling, he was quick to ask me what was wrong. When I told him that I'd take his silence as an answer to if he was still angry, he apologized and told me that he loved me so much and asked me turn off the tv. What does that mean???
I have a few friends who have been cheated on and I feel so horrible for them. People like me are the reasons their lives were turned upside down too. One of them, says her husband gets defensive when she takes her concerns to him. I did at the beginning. Then I realized, I'm not getting anywhere. I had an affair and it was nothing else. Nothing less. Why should I have any reason to get defensive?? Jorge used to accuse me of loving him, but I never did. Maybe because I'm telling the truth?? We're 5 months after the affair and nothing has changed. I don't act any differently towards Jorge when we discuss the affair. We're both able to talk about the affair without getting angry, storming off, crying, having to get defensive. We've both come to terms with what has happened and we're just doing the best we can to be the best in our marriage. I love him and I realize where I went wrong. He loves me and he realizes where he went wrong. We had to hit rock bottom and now we're going back up. Denying it, not discussing it only made him feel that I had something to hide.
Maybe it was wrong. Maybe many will disagree. Many will think it makes no sense, but I will say this. Every single detail about my affair has come out. Every single conversation, every single detail about the affair has come out. Jorge asked me and he said that was the only way he felt he could trust me again.

On the path to being forgiven????

I hope.
Jorge has not come out to tell me he forgives me. He has told me he doesn't hold it against me and he no longer hates me. He says that he loves me even more now. He said that he wants to be with me until the day he dies, regardless of what has happened in the past. He said that it can't be changed. The past won't go away, but we can be sure to love each other even more than we ever have.
I am having a sort of a service next week, for my Angels in heaven. I have 2. One with Jorge and the other not. I told Jorge he could pick the name of our baby for the dedication service. I had to worry about picking a name for my other child, and deciding on the last name. This was a few weeks ago. We never said anything about it afterwards.
Yesterday I asked him if he had thought about a name, and he came out with a few. He was very proud of himself. He asked me if I had decided on a name for my baby. I told him the name that I had settled on and mentioned the last name situation again. He says, "You can use our last name. I want you to use our last name." I told him that it wasn't fair to him and he didn't have to do that. He told me that he knows the naming is important for me and he says that his last name is still mine, and that had the baby been born, he would have been the one to help care for him, so, he would have had his last name.
I was completely blown away. To most people, this means crap. Oh whatever, just saying I could use his last name. But it's not that small. This is a service where my babies will be named. This is something we're doing in front of God, in His house.
The floodgates just opened after that. I cried and cried. I felt another feeling of relief. He knows how important this is for me and he's put everything behind us (even if only temporarily) so he can comfort me.
We've just had an amazing time. Things seem to be improving.

That number.......

Well, first off, I want to say: I got rid of the number. Maybe not the way I should have, but, I do feel better that it's no longer a secret. The other day, I got a hold of some old co workers from the restaurant where we both worked. I talked to them and they said that the day my hubby went looking for him (at the rest.) he told everybody he was not coming back. I guess hubby really scared him.
No one had heard of him but were sure he moved to Mexico. Maybe that's what I was waiting for, just to know he was really gone. I think holding onto the number, was my way of saying, one day I'll find out if he's really gone. Now I have. His family no longer rents the apt where they once lived. He hasn't contacted any of his friends. Whatever.
Anyway, I felt so relieved. The next day, I called my friend back and told them that I had something they might want. I gave them the phone number. I told them that my hubby didn't want me talking to them bc he was afraid they would talk to me about him. They both agreed (they're married) that it's best if I don't talk to him. They agreed to never give me the number. I shredded the number while Jorge was camping. I took it and threw it in the bottom of the trashcan, then covered it with old food from the fridge. I then took the trashbag and tossed it to the bottom of the trashcan. That way, I won't be tempted to try and grab it to put it back together.
I feel so much better now.