So, now the truth comes out??

Maybe not now, maybe it was earlier, but, I have finally found out the truth.
I now know how many people feel about me. I am completely shocked. I know that I tend to be a little selfish and had a very hard time getting online to post everyday on PW. I posted all the time, I just thought people were tired of seeing me everyday. Turns out, they were.
I was reading someone's blog (a friend from the board) and started reading through past messages and replies. I couldn't believe it. From there, I linked to other blogs and seen other horrible comments about me.
I now understand why my friend became so upset on our board, when others didn't stick on "her side". How they can say horrible things about me, that I "irk" them, they're tired of me, they are not looking forward to seeing me, they weren't happy when they found out I was coming back...........then turn around and say she was being too harsh, or just didn't stick up for her when she was attacked. I'm extremely hurt by what some people said about me, but, I truly feel sorry for her. I didn't mean for her to lose any friends or have damaged relationships.
I emailed her to apologize. It wasn't right. Out of my selfishness, I posted too much about myself and not enough to others.....I guess now I have to pay the price.

Changes.....

So much has changed. We celebrated our 7th anniversary. That actually went by very smooth. We have stopped arguing so much. We take more time to listen to each other. I am keeping my home clean, I cook supper, I make him lunch. He even brought me flowers the other day. I've been buying Jorge new cards almost every day. He has started enjoying reading them more often and each time, seems a little more excited to see what each one says.
We are hoping to take a trip to Mexico, to try and escape from life. The time we stayed in Columbia, was so hard. Staying in a one room hotel. Small bed. So little space. No thinking space. My only escape was to go to the bathroom and cry or think.
That's the only that hasn't changed, it only gets a little worse. Anytime I sit to think, Jorge has to ask what I'm thinking about. If I tell him nothing, he goes on and on about how I'm starting to keep secrets from him. I don't know. I don't feel he has to know everything, but, I'm afraid to keep stuff from him. I'm trying to fix our marriage, not break it even worse....

An unexpected message.....

I'm so happy to say, one of my closest friends, emailed me. She had said some pretty harsh things about my situation. I was pretty hurt but tried to keep my cool. I didn't feel that it was right for me to lash back out at her. It's not her fault.
She apologized and that feels really good. There are lots of people who never liked me anyway. Lots of people who never hid the fact they didn't really like me. I was more devastated when she responded than others.
I was able to apologize and close that chapter. That feels so nice. She had a right to say the stuff she did, everyone has a right to their own opinion. I'm just glad that she can have her opinion, I can try and move on and we can still have a decent conversation.

No sleep....

We hardly get any sleep anymore. Jorge keeps having nightmares, bad thoughts, worries.....
I feel so terrible for him. I tell him that I think maybe it's best (for him) if I just leave and we end this. We seem to be hurting more, after the affair, than before and during. This is so painful. When he wakes up at night, he'll ask me questions......Do you love him?........Have you seen him?........Are you lying to me?..........Why are you crying? That means you still love him, right?.........
It hurts so much, but, I know it's not fair for me to be the one who's hurting and whining. I'm trying to take it day by day. I am trying to comfort Jorge. He keeps asking me to promise him that I will be "good to him", he asks me if he can trust me again. I hate to say anything...it's not that I am not sure, it's just that, we made all of these promises before. When we first got married, the first thing we discussed was that we promised we would tell each other if we didn't want to be together anymore. We promised not to hurt or cheat on each other.
It hit me so fast. Even though a month or so seems like enough time, when you live like I did, it seems like hours. Jorge was always gone, only home on the weekends, so, from one week to the next, the time just started flying. I worked and stayed busy with school that, I never had time to sit down and think to myself. Instead of making "promises" to each other, I just want to do everything to try and fix us and make us better than before. I will never ever make my husband feel neglected again. He has promised to start making changes too. And I will admit, from day one, he has.
We sleep together every single night......he calls me just to say that he loves me....if I can't cook, we go out to eat, instead of bringing home more trash for me to clean up.....
I'm trying.......

Moving on.....

(Please remember, I'm trying to work through my journal to get caught up)
Wow, is all I can say. I can't believe what some people said to me. I didn't expect for anyone to react as some did.
First, I'm a member of an online forum. I've been friends with these ladies for so long. These ladies have been through some definite highs (purchasing a new house, birth of 3rd child, holidays) and some pretty low lows (frustration of new house purchase, illnesses, fights, arguments, blah blah blah), but, guess this was an all time low.
I read somewhere, and truly believe it, that when someone has an affair, some friends will stick close by, and others will run, like they're afraid it's going to rub off. Like it's contagious. They said that it was the last thing they would expect from me, that I wasn't the person they thought I was.....so on. Truth is, I don't even know myself. I never felt I was capable of doing anything as horrible as that. Instead of safe guarding my marriage, we chose to promise each other we would never hurt each other. So, we felt immune. Because we made that "promise" it meant, it could never happen. Big fat joke!
I admit, I had issues, we had issues, this wasn't the right way to escape. I was married for 7 years, we started having the "7 year itch" and I used that as an excuse everytime we would fight.
I just pray and hope that everyone I'm close to, will never have to go through that. The guilt that I have suffered through, the pain that I have caused, decisions I have made, the hole in his heart.......the hole in my heart........
I have a hard time trusting myself. I allowed myself to become vulnerable and I knew it. I knew that I was digging my grave. From the first day, it should have ended. I can usually tell who will be my good friend, and who I need to steer clear of the first day of us meeting...truth is......there was some sort of blind spot.
An affair can affect anyone. Just because you are church going, God believing, an everyday praying person, doesn't mean you are immune.

Holy Moly, didn't remember I had this

I've been looking for a way out, a way to escape my life for a little while and I completely forgot I had this. Don't know where to start....guess need to start transferring.
First off, life is so hard. I know I brought it on myself. I wish I hadn't done what I did. There's absolutely no excuse for what I did. I was at a time of my life where I knew I should have looked to counseling, and I didn't, I turned the other way.
I've hurt many people along the way, but, the healing is starting. I never realized healing was going to be so painful. Having to relive everything. It's not easy for anybody.
I'm trying not to write stories, but, this will turn into one. I'm tired of being too detailed, too many people feel that it's none of their business, but, it's human nature......people want to see.
I made some terrible decisions that I regret horribly. As time passes, I'm sure everything will start coming out.....
(Yes, I'm trying to change dates, just to catch up)