I can't believe how life is backfiring on me now....

Everything was going so good. I don't understand. We purchased our timeshare, had an awesome time in Myrtle Beach. We were able to spend time together--we didn't even really fight or argue (or even disagree). I began the girl scout leader for the Daisy's troop. Everything fell into place. I have 13 girls, it's awesome. I'm getting excited.
My Bible Study went okay. I feel a little better about it. This time, the instructor's did what they were supposed to and there wasn't too much going off track. We got our new study in and I know I'm going to have a hard time.
I started talking to Jorge about my study last night, from last week. The Bible Study from last week was learning about God, learning about His characteristics, His power, everything. I was so excited about all I had learned. I knew that He was supposed to be the one comforting me, that I could talk to Him about everything, He could see me, that He would never leave me, even during my most difficult times. I also had to do a study on how He compared to my earthly father and mother. The instructor helped to show me why I was having difficulty relating to God and trusting in Him, how I never had my mom or father behind me, I couldn't turn to them, I couldn't trust them. How was I going to trust someone that I couldn't even see, when I couldn't even trust the ones that I could feel, see, touch, hear......
So anyway, I was telling Jorge all of this (pretty much word for word what I just typed). He starts fidgeting, tapping his foot, starts paying attention to the tv......so on. I asked him what was wrong, I understand that he didn't want to listen to me (even though he agreed to support me). I apologized and got up to lay down. He shut of the light, turned off the tv, then said, "Good night" I was stunned. I couldn't believe it. I was talking about someone and something so beautiful, how I finally felt comforted, I finally felt at peace. I want to become a Godly wife towards my husband.....I didn't understand. I asked him if he didn't feel comfortable with me continuing my Bible Study, he said that he never said that, then turned around and went to sleep.
I was shocked, I didn't know what to think. I was too exhausted to think, so I went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, he got up flinging things around. Throwing on his clothes, he didn't even say a word to me. I pulled him to sit on the bed with me and he wouldn't even look with me. I explained that I wasn't sure what happened, but whatever it was, I was sorry. He then proceeds to tell me, that I don't have an idea how it feels to be compared to somebody. WHAT???? Compared to who? Then it hit me, he thought that by Him, I meant "him" (the other guy). I don't even know what to do or say. I apologized and told him that I would never disrespect him by speaking about "him" again . I am trying to earn back his trust and prove to him that I'm changed and will never make the same mistake, how would I ever do that??
I'm just hurt and confused. I'm ready to give up. Because of me, I can't even talk about God "HIM", without Jorge flipping out.
All because of a misunderstanding. I'm not sure if he was embarrassed or something, but, he didn't say anything, he just walked out the door. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of running from God. I know this is the enemy working, and possibly on the winning side. I'm trying to fight.
Jorge hasn't called me yet. I don't even know if he'll accept the fact that he did misunderstand me. Because of what I did in the past, I know he feels that he would have no fault in this and the whole thing started because of what I did.
I don't know how we're ever going to get past this.

That's life.....I guess

I just want to take this time to vent. I haven't had a good vent in a long time. I've been trying to get to my journal, but, for the same reasons I'm stressed, I haven't been able to reach the journal.
Anywho...it's funny 'cause I write, write and write, and I'm pretty sure nobody has ever read this, but, it feels good.
Start off with, yes, I'm overwhelmed again. But, I'm enjoying what I'm doing. It's my job. I haven't really been at the school this week though. Last week, I was at the school pretty much every minute. Friday was the last, I made several phone calls. All of my volunteer positions got filled up so I don't have to throw myself in as a volunteer. But, I don't want to get ahead of myself, I still haven't had my meeting for chairperson for the kitchen (at the carnival). That will be over the next few days.
My baby got sick. She was bitten by ants and one of the scabs were scraped off, and infected. These past few days have been horrible. With this staph infection, I feel like I'm torturing or abusing my child. I have to hold her down so we can squeeze that pus out of her foot. It's absolutely terrible. Sometimes I get so frustrated with memdical personnel. I know that they are trying to help my child, and they are "fixing" her, but, I just hate that they can't snap their fingers and say, "She's better!!"
Today was Donuts for Dads day. Jorge was supposed to go eat breakfast with Steven and Lucy. I volunteered to help out, passing out donuts, juice, and clean up. Mary was going to stay with mom, no problem. Jorge was going to go all the way up through last night, the night before, then he said he wouldn't be able to make it. That his bosses are expecting him to be there bright and early. I just about flipped out, the fact that he's going to blow off a special breakfast for a father and his children, and, blow off going with me to Mary's appointment. He must've known what I was thinking, 'cause he brought home roses. Okay, so points for him. I was ready and had even sucked in my breath when he walked in the door, then I seen the flowers. That definitely made things somewhat better. Though this morning, I had to ask another father to sit with Steven to keep him company. He was the father of one of Steven's closest friends. At least he got to have a nice breakfast (yeah right, donuts and juice, lol).
Last night, I was cramping, worrying about Mary, exhausted from the crazy day....blah blah blah. Jorge wouldn't put a band aid on Mary's foot, and I had just washed the sheets. Mary was in our bed and her foot was oozing pus all over. I asked him to cover her foot and signed, he just got upset, so I silently cried myself to sleep. I slept all night and we woke up okay. I don't like falling asleep mad, but, last night, I was too exhausted to fight.
Let me skim around this issue, but, I have a Bible Study, it's more of a therapy group. This is only my second week and I'm upset. The first week, there were only 2 of us and the 2 instructors. This week, they added 4 more women. They will no longer add any more women, just for our sake, but, I'm not too happy about this. Last week, we had enough time to talk about our issues, ourselves, our lives, whatever we wanted to, and got out right on time. This week, we were only able to get through one topic. Everybody took 15 minutes to 30 minutes to tell their story ( just bc they were new and needed to tell their life story), that was one topic!! By the time we finished, it was time to go. She said we had to skip everything else. I don't want to sound mean or horrible, but, my issues are pretty severe and I truly need to discuss them and be able to listen to what the instructors have to say and understand my Bible Study more, the other women, are all 3 times my age!! They are only there bc they are in training to be a counselor, and have to go through a Bible Study themselves. They're there bc they have to be, not bc they truly want help! I pisses me off so bad. I work so hard at doing my Bible Study and we don't even have enough time to discuss our answers. How am I supposed to understand my Bible Study if we can't even discuss our answers, what we think is correct????????????
Well, that's it, for now. I probably need to get to cleaning, since I've been busy lately.
See ya around! :)

A little disgusted....

I seen a message on another website (no mention of where or who)--it's very possible many others seen the same thing. I wish I could delete it or get rid of it. I'm trying not to be specific, but, I'm completely disgusted. They were pictures having to do with Abortion. I don't care if you're pro life or pro choice, there is absolutely no reason anyone would want or need to see those pictures. If you need to look at those horrible pictures to remind you of how precious life is, I don't care if you're pro life, that is completely disgusting.
Maybe it bothers me more bc of my situation. Many know what I went through and what happened to me. It reminds me of that disgusting day I had to sit in the clinic. Everytime I pass the clinic here, those images are going to pop up in my head. Anybody else who has had a family member go through that, anybody that was in that position and didn't want to be, does not deserve to have to see crap like that!
Everyone has a right to look or not to look at those pictures, I think it's absolutely disgusting to show what happens to a baby if you choose to do that. If you are in that situation where you're unsure, you could be traumatized for life for even thinking it was a possibility. I understand that's the point, but, the fact that people can look at those and forward them.....
Again, to me, it doesn't matter of you're pro life or pro choice, if you have or haven't been in that position, if you agree or don't agree or just don't care. Those are disgusting photos and completely unnecessary.
If you want to send out a message to all of your friends about it, don't you think it would have been more respectful to send a link?
Disgusting!
I am making a decision at this point to let the issue drop, I just needed to vent. Nobody needs to respond or comment.

Note to new readers:

I told Stacey today that I didn't want to go public with my blog, bc of the information that was on there. Many may have had this as my blog and may have noticed it was never updated. That's because I had another blog. I am still choosing to keep that one private, just bc the details are disturbing. Everybody knows that I had an affair and the only way for me to deal with that, was to get it all out. I know that it's a public blog, but, I will not give out that address. Instead, I chose to take entries and add them over here. (I added the blog entries and had to mess with the dates, just cause, they didn't all happen today...) I want to keep this one public to my friends. I don't want to "publicly" invite anyone to come over, but, I would like to post messages to friends. If you happen to find yourself over here (out of curiousity), please feel free to reply, add me, invite me, whatever. I would love to link to your blogs. Not sure how it works, but, I will not add your link without your permission. I try and keep up with those blogs but never posted, bc I didn't want my blog address made public. I have seen so many blogs I wanted to respond to, but, didn't want anyone to wander to my [old] blog. I remembered my username and password for this one and feel that it's not as disturbing.
I promise to tone down the details. I know some of what you'll see here, you may or may not want to respond to. Just keep in mind, Jorge and I are working through our issues, are going through counseling and things are becoming much better for us. Everything that is in here is true, the entries did happen on those dates. I didn't add anything, alter anything, or fabricate anything. These entries are what I was going through at that time. I know we've moved on, so, no hard feelings. Please.
If you want to continue to make me feel bad, go ahead, just know in advance, I will not fuel the fire by responding (not meaning to sound so harsh). Otherwise, feel free to read and respond to any entries.

Trip to Mexico wasn't great....

Kinda late posting about this. It was hot, it was muggy. Jorge and I argued a little. It was far from the break we were supposed to have.
Getting back home was so great. Then he dropped one on me. He asked me if I liked his BIL. What?? He then asked me why I talked to him nice and laughed at him. I mean, he's my BIL too, right?? I'm supposed to respect him and at least act like I like him, right?? As a matter of fact, I think he's a freaking ignorant s.o.b. He treats my SIL like she's a maid, he rarely holds his own son....
But, I had to stop myself. I know that Jorge is still trying to put his trust in me. I had to talk him down and get us back out of the conversation. Luckily, it cooled down and we were able to talk things out like adults.

The kids started school. I'm happy for that one. It's nice that they're away from home for a little while. I'm able to get more stuff down.
Only problem, I'm pretty sure I'm in over my head. PTA, Hispanic Liaison, Room mom, teacher assistant to two teachers, Tuesday and Thursdays, I agreed to head the chair for the kitchen for our fall carnival, I am going to have a spanish booth at our open house 09/11. I also enrolled Steven in Cub scouts, Lucy in Daisies, AND, I volunteered to be Troop leader. I don't know why.
Jorge's worried I won't be able to spend enough time at home. I don't want to be home though. I would rather be at school, where Jorge can feel like he can trust me, and I can stay busy. Maybe I am a little too busy. I'm trying though. Hopefully we can get through this school year. Mary is going to start school soon and that's nice.