Calling Him

Many may bash me for this. But, sometimes when Jorge and I fight. I feel like calling "him." You know who "he" is, and it's not Jorge.
I don't want to call him to talk to him. I want to call him out of anger. If he hadn't been there, if he hadn't caved in with me, if he hadn't agreed with me, if he hadn't pushed me into it by trying to play "chicken" with me.
I've never talked to him again since Jorge found out. As much as I've wanted to call him, I haven't brought myself to do it. He called me several times in a few hours one night in July. I pretended to not know who it was, even though I did. I answered and told him it was the wrong number the first time, then Jorge made me turn off my phone. The next morning, Jorge turned on my phone and checked my messages. It was him, he said, 'Tara, I wanted to apologize for everything that happened. I wanted to tell you thank you and that I love you. I've always loved you and only want the best for you." Always loved me? We only knew each other for a little over a month. How could you love me?
The more I've been in my bible study, the more I've realized that, I was taken advantage of, when I was at my lowest. I'm not blaming it all on him, had I not been so vulnerable, nothing would have ever happened.
I have his phone number in Mexico, it's hidden. I want to call him, but, I know that I will be disobeying and harming my husband again. Even though Jorge keeps hurting me, he doesn't deserve me to lie to him again.
I don't think, but hope I never act on the want to call him. I've tried tossing his number, but, I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I need to toss it. It's not in someplace that I'll see it constantly. It's pretty hidden, from myself. I've only seen it once, and that was when I hid it. I've wanted to tell Jorge, but, I've already exposed everything else, I kinda want to keep something to myself.
It just feels good to get that out. Bash me, hate me, be disgusted with me. But, at least it's no longer a secret I'm keeping to myself.

A glimpse into Jorge's mind

Saturday night wasn't all that great. We got into a major argument. I had been feeling frisky all day and teasing him most of the day. Even in public, it was fun, I really enjoyed teasing him. I was sure I'd be ready to go as soon as we got home. Unfortunately, I was too exhausted and just wasn't all that into it.
Jorge was trying to get me all happy with my toys. It just didn't help. I don't know what was wrong. I got frustrated bc I couldn't finish with something that usually helps so fast. Well, Jorge thought my frustration was because of him and he let it all out from there.
He told me that it wasn't his fault that he couldn't make me happy. He said that he was sorry and asked if that's why I went elsewhere. He told me that sex was a way for me to show him that I love him. Whereas, sex is the last important thing for me. It's not the way to show your love. If anything, it's the last way to show your love. It's like an extra benefit.
I knew better than that. I knew it was coming. Questions about my affair. I apologized to him and told him that I just didn't understand what was wrong with me. I don't know why I don't get excited or have orgasms. It just hasn't happened on it's own. I don't care to play with toys, if he wants to fine. If not, we were married 7 years before we really started introducing them. It doesn't matter to me.
I sat in a corner and started crying. I finally gave up. I told him that I couldn't handle it anymore. I told him that no matter what happens, I hope he finds a good person to care for my children. I can't do it anymore. I'm not a good mother. I know I'm not a good role model. I admitted to him that I've had lots of bad thoughts pop into my head. I knew he was never going to forgive me. Or at least he wasn't ever going to let me forget it. Heck, I know I have to pay for the rest of my life for what I did. I told him that I knew it wasn't fair to him if I ended my life. At least my pain would be over, but his wouldn't. All of the pain I caused him, I deserve to live in this hell for repayment.
He told me that he was sorry and that he didn't want me to suffer. He also told me that sometimes he feels like driving off the interstate and crashing into a bridge. He said that he wants to end his life too, but knows that our children need us. He said that no one should ever have to replace us. I asked him if that's the only reason he won't leave me, so he wouldn't have to find a replacement. He told me that he loved me with all of his heart and doesn't mean to take out his anger on me.
I told him that it hurts me when my friends tell me how much their husband tells them he loves her and how proud he is. Jorge said that he thought I knew he was proud of me. He said he doesn't care what I did anymore. He said that he doesn't mean to keep bringing it up. He said that he wants help. That he thought he could do it on his own, but he now knows that he can't. He knows that I'm working hard on changing myself. He said that he thinks I'm a wonderful person and that he feels that he doesn't deserve me.
He said that regardless of what I've done to him, he loves me so much and doesn't hate me. He said that he is hurt and knows that he'll one day have to forgive me. He said it's hard to let me back in, because he had put so much trust into me. He said that we had to trust each other from the beginning. He said that he knows he left me to be all alone and to raise the kids on my own. He said he wasn't excusing what I've done to him, but, he knows that he had a lot of fault. Had he been the best husband and I cheated on him, he might feel differently towards me.
He told me that his father never hugged him and never told him that he loved him. He just wasn't raised like that. He knows that it's not fair to our children that he neglect them or to not love them the way a father should. He wasn't raised like that and is just trying to change it. He said his dad would smack him around and make him work his butt off to earn a few bucks a day to be able to spend for necessary expenses.
We hugged and cried together. Jorge cried the hardest. He said that he doesn't mean to punish me. He said that he still hurts, but he also thinks that I've suffered enough. He said that he hasn't been there for me during my suffering over the past few months. He sees that I've dropped everything and am trying to put my family before myself. It's why I have been losing weight.
He promised change, again. We'll see.
Sunday night, we had plans to go to a Fall festival at a local church. He decided he was too tired and we weren't going to go (we had gone to Chuck E Cheese's earlier in the day). I got into talking to my mom and heard about a play on Sleepy Hollow in a local park. I told her we would meet her there and later go to the haunted house. When I got off the phone, Jorge was just looking at me. He says, "Were you asking me or just telling me?" I didn't even want to argue, I called my mom and made up some lie as to why I couldn't go. Then I blew up on Jorge. How dare he try to control my relationship with my mom. I couldn't believe it. We didn't talk much about it, other than his apology. I said, "Whatever." And that was that.

Whatever...part 2

I feel like he wants to love me. Maybe it's me pushing him away? Maybe I'm not letting him..... It's not fair.
I've only known him, I've never known life without him. I went from an unloving home to his arms. He had been there for me.
I talked to him last night. We were just fine, then he flipped all of a sudden and started yelling at me, asking me what was going to make me understand that he needed 7 hours of sleep. He told me that he was dying from losing too much sleep. That he tries to stay awake to please me and I don't pay attention to him. I burst into tears.
Then when we laid down, he asked if he could talk to me without fighting. He said that he's doing everything to try and please everybody. I asked him if he's gotten anything in return, and when he replied no, I told him that maybe that should be a sign to him that he's wasting his time.
He then proceeds to ask why I can't be a "good wife" and have supper ready for him when he gets home. I've busted my ass for him. I kill myself for him. I cry myself to be every single night just so I can make sure his clothes are washed every night. He's fed a homemade meal almost every night now. I am always too busy trying to take care of him and the kids that I don't even have enough time for myself to eat.
I told him that I don't cook supper until he gets home, bc I prefer the kids to eat supper with him, that's the only time they get with him. I also reminded him how he hasn't even asked Steven about the award he won on Monday night for Cub Scouts. I cried my heart out last night.

Whatever....part 1

Whatever. I'm at a stage where I don't really care. Life sucks, I don't know. I don't know why I can't leave him. I don't know why I'm so attracted to him, or is it some mental/emotional thing? I wish I could do it. In a way, I'm almost afraid. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of living life without him. I don't know if I could. Even though he shreds my heart to pieces every night, I still wake up aching for him to love me, just a little bit, at least for today. Or to at least forgive me. I feel like I deserve this, just for everything I've done to him. God is punishing me. The lyrics for the hate me song? Just 'cause that song comes down to my level and makes me feel good, in a bad way, in my little hole. I've watched the video about 10 times in the last two hours and have listened to the song over and over and over again. I have been extremely emotional over the last few weeks. It's hard seeing my friend Patti pregnant. She's due right about the same time I was due. Everytime she mentions something about her baby, I burst into tears. I've come to accept the fact that I'll never have children again. Jorge had a vasectomy last year and even though I became pregnant after the affair, Jorge agreed to have his vasectomy reversed so we could try. The problem? I knew it was going to be a replacement. That wouldn't be fair to anybody. Just bc of my mistakes and my selfishness, I can't bring anymore children into this world. It's feeling like I've had my womanhood taken away from me. Maybe that's why I've let him take advantage of me. In hopes that the one sperm that gets away, will be there for me. I've had nightmares over the last few weeks. I cry on the drop of a dime. I don't know what it is with me this week. The other day in my bible study, I soaked 3 kleenexes in an hour an a half. They were soaked with my tears only. In the daytime, I'm one person, full of life, I talk to people, I hang out with my children, I laugh and play. At night, it's dark. I'm cold. It's then that everything becomes worse. I think of my baby. I miss my baby. When I see my children, I only think of them. But as soon as they are out of my sight, I feel like I'm all alone. I am nothing without my children. I am dirt. I don't feel I deserve to live. Jorge's already told me that I don't deserve to be his wife. That he deserves better. Why can't I leave? Sometimes I just want to step off the edge of the earth; but I still can't find it. I lose sleep at night, I don't eat, 'cause I'm always running to try and jump off that cliff. Sometimes I think my children would be better off without me, but, I realize they would be worse with him. The only reason I've stuck it out for this long, is for them. They are my heart. When I told him that, he said that I was finally thinking of my children, but obviously wasn't when I had my affair. Hmph, guess he'll never forget, never forgive me. I'll be punished for the rest of my life. I feel like I deserve to live in his hell. My world is supposed to revolve around him

Hate me

i have to block out thoughts of you so i don’t lose my head
they crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that i’m alone
playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
there's a burning in my pride a nervous bleeding in my brain
an ounce of peace is all i want for you will you never call again
and will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face
and will you never try to reach me it is i that wanted space

hate me today hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you
hate me in ways yea ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

i’m sober now for three whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i wont touch again
in my sick way i want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
while i was busy waging wars on myself you were trying to stop the fight
you never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
you made me compliment myself when it was way to hard to take
so i’ll drive so f***ing far away that i never cross your mind
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

hate me today hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you
hate me in ways yea ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

with a sad heart i say bye to you and wave
kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that i had made
and like a baby boy i never was a man until i saw your blue eyes cry
and i held your face in my hand and then i fell down yelling make it go away
just make her smile come back and shine just like it use to be
and then she whispered how can you do this to me

hate me today hate me tomorrow
hate me for all the things i didn’t do for you
hate me in ways yea ways hard to swallow
hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you for you for you for you...
written by: justin furstenfeldproduced and recorded by: chuck reed / justin furstenfeld

Psalm 38

Lord, Do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down on me.
Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.
My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.
I am bowed down and brought very low;
all day long I go about mourning.
My back is filled with searing pain;
there is no health in my body.
I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
my neighbors stay far away.
Those who seek my life set their traps,
those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
all day long they scheme and lie.
I am like the deaf, who cannot hear,
like the mute, who cannot speak;
I have become like one who does not hear,
whose mouth can offer no reply.
Lord, I wait for you;
you will answer, Lord my God.
For I said, "Do not let them gloat or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip."
For I am about to fall,
and my pain is ever with me.
I confess my iniquity;
I am troubled by my sin.
Many have become my enemies without cause;
those who hate me without reason are numerous.
Those who repay my good with evil lodge accusations against me,
though I seek only to do what is good.
Lord, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.

Just add a foot to my hole

I don't even want to see above my hole anymore. I don't want to see the reality. How come a husband feels he has every right to his wife's body? I mean, what he wants to do is the only thing that is acceptable.
**edited*

My black hole....

It's nice, it's dark. I'm only in far enough that I can see over the edge; but I don't want out. It feels good to be in this darkness.
He makes me come here. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about losing me. I don't understand. I've done everything I can to try and fix things. But, it's never going to work. He's always going to push me back down when I feel like we're lifting up.
He's the one that pushed me into this hole this time. I can see him standing at the ledge. I just wish he would throw the dirt in and bury me alive. It would be better than living in this hell.

Anger and Forgiveness

We're trying to get through this Anger and Forgiveness issue. I realized that Jorge started drinking more and it really made me upset. He snapped on me and told me it was the only way he could through all of this stress. He didn't tell me it was my fault, but, I know better. He never liked drinking before. I told him that I didn't want that kind of person in my children's lives. I emptied the bottle and he completely flipped out. Oh well, at least that's gone.
Someone in my Bible Study mentioned asking certain people if they would forgive us. I mentioned that to Jorge and told him that I was sure we weren't at that stage yet. He just kinda said, Uh, and that was it. I got a little upset after that. Okay, really upset. With him drinking, and with the way he responded, it made me realize, he doesn't even know if he wants to forgive me. He doesn't know how to. He doesn't want to learn, bc that means he would be reminded of everything that happened. I told him that he drinks so he doesn't have to face our problems. He doesn't want to think about it. I have made major improvements and have taken several steps to apologize to him and show that I want to be a good wife. I cook dinner, I wake up at 5am to make him lunch. I have really thrown myself into activities to show him that I want to put my family first. I have done everything I possibly can and he hasn't done anything. He told me at the beginning that he forgave me, but, he doesn't understand the true meaning of forgiveness.
I told him that I can't live like that my whole life. It may not be today, tomorrow, next month, or next year, but, he needs to go ahead and decide if he even wants to forgive me. If not, then why waste our time together?