Went to my PCP

He's such an awesome doctor to sit and be able to talk to. I have been seeing him for 7 years now. Anywho, I told him all of my problems and how I couldn't concentrate, my brain has been flipping back and forth, I've had a hard time making decisions....breakdowns, meltdowns, no sleep, too much sleep, blah blah blah. He listened. Then I told him that I knew his wife-she was my Bible Study Facilitator. He was so happy. He said that I'm already past half of my depression. I said that I've been able to admit I have a problem, I've been able to link my depression with this year's issues and I've already laid it all out and put a lot of it in God's hands. He said that sometimes we still need a little bit of a help and reassured me that it was only temporary.
He had me fill out a questionnaire, asking questions about my behavior, feelings, thoughts, symptoms, so on. When he read over it and "graded it", he diagnosed me as being officially: Depressed, with anxiety, and a little bit of OCD. He said that the depression and anxiety come hand in hand. He said my OCD could be why I have a hard time getting other things done. . Has he seen my house?? I thought people with OCD had clean houses???? okay, that's not really funny.
But, he took me off the Lexapro, he said the lexapro was kinda along the same lines as Prozac, and he doesn't consider me to be that serious of a case. He did put me on 50 mg of Zoloft for 15 days. Then he'll up me to 100mg (I already have the rx for that). I go back in 6 weeks. Don't worry, I've already had my Zoloft 50mg filled and start them in the morning.In the meantime, he said I need to start getting into church regularly again, attending Sunday school to be able to fellowship (which the end of my bible study threw me off). He also recommended me getting together with friends who have children like me and maintaining those friendships and keeping them healthy. He said that somebody like me needs friendship and fellowship.
So, that's it. I didn't want to tell Jorge-but did after my mom agreed to give me the money for the appointment. Jorge wasn't thrilled, but, he said if it was what I needed, he'd be there to support me.

Still trying to take a break

So today is Sunday. It is now 145 and I have had 2 complete meltdowns in the last 48 hours. 2 meltdowns where Jorge had to peel me off the floor or the bed. That's about 3 meltdowns total in the last 4 days. I was still sobbing uncontrollably and Jorge was trying to help. He finally got frustrated and was ready to give up. Then all of a sudden he grabbed me and literally peeled me off the bed and just hugged me tight and told me he was going to be there for me. I hope so. Life is just so hard right now. I think my meds are finally starting to kick in. I've been able to get out of bed today and feel totally rested and had clear thoughts. For a few days, I felt like my mind was just flipping through channels. Today, so far, I've been able to go grocery shopping, wash a load of laundry, wash dishes, and make lunch. I hope it's getting better. The thoughts I was having were very scary.

I've just about had it...

with life that is. I'm so blue and depressed right now. I feel very weak (physically), it's even hard to just sit here and type. My muscles are twitching, my eyes are droopy, my stomach hurts, I'm dizzy. All of these are pretty much side effects from my antidepressants. I'm back on them. They're totally screwing me up, but something is seriously wrong with me.
Last night, I couldn't even think of one thing. I couldn't concentrate, I guess. I was trying to think and concentrate on just one thing. I couldn't. When I pictured, in my mind, me calling the doctor just to set an appointment, I burst into tears. We're not talking just tears running silently down my cheeks, I'm talking, full out sobbing, body shaking. I couldn't stop crying. Jorge had to practically peel me off the living room floor and force me to take a shower. I just didn't feel the strength to get up. This was after my mom came and said she was going to stay at her house with her husband......
I wasn't even thinking about them, I wasn't thinking of all my issues, I wasn't thinking about money or even housework....that's the deal. I couldn't concentrate. I slept in until 800. That's the time the kids are supposed to be to school. I took them to school and realized that today ws ssupposed to be pj day for Lucy. So, I had to run to the store and buy her a pair so she wouldn't feel left out. The teachers knew something were wrong and kept asking me to go home. I didn't want to.
Nobody realizes how easy it is to let your world around you cave in. Sometimes I feel like my kids deserve better. If i just wasn't here, I'd be better, they'd be better.......life for everybody would be better. Jorge wouldn't have to peel me off the ground, and could instead roll around happily with the kids.
I don't know. I know I'm going back and forth between being okay and just dying. I dont' know how to make it stop. Right now, I just want to go fall asleep. Falling asleep sounds real good right about now.................................

A little update

Mom called to tell me that she was letting him pick up my sister to spend a few hours with her. He still has to have her back by 830, but at least they're getting somewhere.
That has lifted a little bit of this fog.....
Jorge also called to tell me that he can't work tomorrow or Saturday, so he'll be home all day, both days. Time for "us". We'll probably go out to eat tomorrow and watch a movie. Just "us" time. He also mentioned (again) since he has the day off tomorrow, we can probably drive around and look for local work for him. He said that he knows his work is contributing to our money problems. He knows working long distance is damaging our financial situation too...........

I stepped out today......

I finally stepped out of the house today, after about 3 days of trapping myself indoors. It helped, a little bit. I left and picked up the kids, stopped by Mcdonalds. Then a friend called, maybe she wasn't the best person to talk to, but, it helped. I drove around for the hour I talked to her. I drove and parked in the Walmart parking lot, then drove and parked in the Thrift store parking lot....then I drove back to Walmart and waited until I got off the phone with her. I wasn't thinking straight, so I was driving in circles. We made plans to go out and eat lunch next week.
This is the same lady that I gave "his" phone number too. She said that they got a message a few weeks ago from me, asking for his number back. She asked if I still felt I needed it.......she said she would be happy to relay any messages to him, but only if she felt them extremely important. I told her (and don't think I've mentioned anything lately) that sometimes I think about "him" and what "he" thought/thinks about the whole situation. We never said good bye to each other, the relationship just ended that same day Jorge found out. It's almost like, sometimes I feel we....no, "I" need closure. But I'm not going to go down that path again. That's what happened in the first place. When Jorge started to neglect me the most, I turned to someone else.
I will not make that same mistake!!
I told her that I must have been going through that phase at that time. I said it passed within a few days. I was angry with him by the end and just felt the need to cuss him out. I told her to not obey me when I and if I ever ask for the number. She completely agrees with me and has promised to not even relay messages or discuss me with him.
I don't know if it matters, but it does make me feel a little better.
On another note.....Steven asked for another baby last night. Jorge just looked at me and laughed. With my mom's crazy issues, it hasn't given Jorge and I enough time to discuss our problems. I don't know if that's good or bad, but, at least we're just here comforting each other (somewhat). We haven't really had enough time to fight about our problems. I can't even really say if "we've" had problems. I've had issues. Jorge has just stood there most of the week. He hugs me when I cry, steps aside when I'm just being flat out weird........

I'm baaaaaaaack!!!!

To my black hole, that is. I just feel so black.....so depressed. I don't know why anymore. My mom's divorce is affecting me horribly. I don't even like the dude and I'm crying all the time. I think what she's doing right now, is like deja vu for me. They have been reminding me of the bitter divorce between her and my father. It is really making me sad. Jorge said that we've almost been there. Thing is, "almost", we're not there yet. We're still living together, so we're chosing to be stupid and try and stick it out.
I've been sleeping in real late; yesterday I slept in until 4pm. Granted, I did a few things throughout the day, I had kids with me, they had to eat. I bathed the kids, I cleaned house, swept the carpet (the belt broke on my vc), washed dishes, even cleaned out a closet. I took the kids to get some donuts, they ate supper, had dessert, watched a movie, did homework and were put in bed.
I was in bed by 1100 but I wasn't ready to go to bed. I couldn't stop crying. Jorge asked me what was wrong and I told him I wasn't sure, I was just so sad. So he asked if I took my "pills". Hahahahahaha, I wish those really worked. If they could take away my problems, I'd od on them. But reality is, they won't. Nothing will get better. I just have to stick it out.
Problem is, it is so much more comfy in my dark hole. Everybody knows that I like it there. Most won't ask what is wrong, so I can be by myself. So if I disappear, you know where I went.

Where to pick up.......

So, some interesting things have happened over the last few weeks.
First off, Saturday, Jorge pushed me to go ahead and go to Atlanta to spend the night with my mom, the kids and with my 12 year old sister who was celebrating her 12th birthday. He hasn't even had enough trust in me lately to even let me go somewhere by myself. And to let me stay the night by myself....in another city. Just weird.
So, we fought all evening Saturday night on the phone. Then when I tried calling him throughout the night, he never picked up. Finally, about 4am, he called to say that he had been asleep and accused me of not calling him. Who knows.
So, I spent the time over there and started heading home. For some reason, things didn't seem right. I started thinking about some of the stuff that Jorge has been doing lately. He has been shaving on almost a daily basis-whereas it used to be once a week to week and a half. He has been constantly watching his weight, what he eats.....so on, so forth. I started making myself angry and started crying.
When I got home, I found out that Jorge had ironed some of his nicest western clothes, shined his cowboy boots, and put on his cowboy hat. This is very weird for him to do. He can't even take out his own damn work clothes. He has never cared about having wrinkled clothes. I've been asking him for months to take me out dancing......when we go out to eat, I ask him to dress up and he says it's not important. He always wears tennis shoes, jeans, and a shirt-usually wrinkled.
I started letting this stuff swirl in my head.......it's just not like him. So, he pushed me to go stay by myself, he didn't answer his phone all night, he shaved, ironed his nicest clothes. So then I ask him what he did, why he ironed. He said he didn't know, he just felt like it. When I asked him where he went, he said to the cingular wireless store. I asked if that was it, and he said yes. When I sat staring at him, he said that he did go out to eat, at a Mexican restaurant. I asked who he went with and he said by himself. He went to this Mexican restaurant where there's this girl we always fight about. He's always looking at her.
So, he dresses all nice, shaves, is all alone-not risking me seeing him, and he goes out to eat at this place where he knows I hate taking him, even while I'm there. I don't even know what to think anymore. When the details of my affair came out, he told me that he always had the chance to cheat on me. He would tell me that girls would always talk to him but he'd ignore them.
I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I just feel that he's been acting too weird lately. He hasn't even cared to have sex with me, he just hasn't been interested. I'm worried that he's up to no good. I can't help it. I have reason to believe he's doing something. Whether he's just looking, trying to look good, trying to impress......or if he actually has somebody, I don't even know if I want to know. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm supposed to stay here, even if he cheats on me. Like I owe him one. I can't stop feeling this way.
I haven't had time to mention anything to him though....with my mom getting ready to go through a divorce, moving in with us......that hasn't helped me in my situation.
I've practically ditched my friends, just so I could stop and try and figure things out for a little while.

Got to make a part 3

That other post was proving too long.....plus, I'm veering off track.
Anywho, shortly after the details of the affair were revealed, we were served with the papers of the foreclosure. Instead of thinking about my health, or our marriage, he was working to try and get that money together. Now, Jorge would normally make way over what we needed in one month, but with all of the coming home, missing work bc he was depressed......I also went to stay with him in Columbia. That was a cost of $200 a week for hotels for us. Plus, I had a lot of traveling back and forth from Greenville for Doctor appointments for the pregnancy, plus the cost of the appts, and I had appointments and costs for counselors. Which took all of our money.
We finally realized that the hotel was costing too much, we were too stressed. We talked and decided that sending me to Mexico, to stay with his mom, was a much better decision. He could work and make money, without having to worry 'bout where I was or what I was doing. Then he decided that he didn't trust me enough, but since he had already told his mom we were going, we still had to go . So all of the money he made, went towards the trip. We had paid our mortgage and got that settled, but by going to Mexico, that started putting us behind again. We made one month payment September (still behind a month), waited until the end of October(paid one more month), so that put us behind two.
That's where we are now.
The point was, that I realize that my affair, has caused our finances to go out of control. With the extra expenses of hotels, gas, doctor's appointments, days he missed bc he was too stressed, our trips to the beach and Mexico, my Dad coming.......
If I had had my head on straight, I would still have a job. That's why we got the house, 'cause we knew we could afford it with my income too. Not only that, we had health insurance. Now we don't have any health insurance and probably won't be able to get any. I was offered a job that paid more than $30,000, had all sorts of benefits, so on so forth. Jorge said he didn't trust me enough. I've been offered other jobs, but can't take them, bc of my affair. He said that he doesn't trust me to work out of the home. He can't trust me. I understand where he's coming from, but we're struggling horribly. He can't look past that to say, Okay, maybe for a little while, but set more rules. I don't want to put us in that position. I love my husband. But, we may end up with just the clothes on our back if we don't do something now.
One of my sister's has a birthday this weekend and we were supposed to go to Atlanta to celebrate it with her. We've known about it for over 2 months. We were going to spend all day Saturday with her and have her party on Sunday (she lives with her father). Then Jorge asked me last night, if we really had to go. This is an 11 year old. For her big sister to miss a special day, that's going to be rough. then he asked if we had to rent a hotel room Saturday night, well, where else are we going to stay? He said that he had promised his boss he was going to work on Saturday. I also asked him if we could leave the kids with mom and go dancing in Atlanta (which is where we met), he said, "No, we don't have enough money." I asked if that meant we wouldn't have enough for the trip, and he said yup. That was it.
I don't know what to do, thing, or say anymore. He's not wanting to see the other problems we're having right now. He won't let me work. I'm scared of where we're going to end up.
So, if I disappear all of a sudden, it's bc our internet has been cut off. I'm afraid to mention that on the board. I don't want to take my problems back there. I can probably count on less than one hand how many people read my blog (and they're only from the board), but, I just don't want my problems taking over the board again. I still haven't forgiven myself for all of the drama that I caused before.........

Trouble in our home, part 2

We're moving onto another issue in the same subject, which caused the new post.
For the past few days, the finance issues have been bugging me so much, I think I'm going into a depressed state. I've also been very talkative, but I think it's out of sheer nervousness, or just frustration.
Last night, it hit me......why I've been so depressed. Our financial issues, all pretty much stem from the affair. Hard to believe, huh? While I was making friends at my new job, meeting "him", I started ignoring more important things around the house. I'd talk to "him" until 3, 4, or 5 am, get a few hours of sleep, rush the kids to school, then go to work at the restaurant. I probably could have made a lot more in tips, but I was busy chatting with my newfound friends......."he" only worked weekends.
I started the job in April, which was the first month of our mortgage we missed. I got so wrapped up in working, I never thought twice about it. May rolled around, the friendship started getting more deep. I would drop everything to run up to the restaurant and see him......I'd forget to pay this bill or that bill. May's payment was missed. But it was missed bc Jorge wasn't working as much. Jorge and I started having marital issues, he practically moved out several times, but we'd always end up back together. That was the month things got really heated up; since Jorge and I were having more problems, I'd run to "him".
At the end of the month/June, was the actual "affair" and by "affair, I mean, the sexual encounter. Saying that, actually makes me gag now. It makes me cringe. I hate that thought. Well, June 6th, Jorge packed his crap and loaded his truck and drove to Columbia, not because of the "affair", but bc I decided that I was happier without him and he without me. Jorge came back home that night, but we were still fighting. I wanted to go out and he didn't. I told him I'd think about it and he said he was going to sleep. I ended up going out and hanging out with "him" at that party-which was at a bar. I went back to his house and fell asleep on his couch, but didn't do anything-because I was already feeling guilty. When I left his house at 6am, I went back to my house to find Jorge awake, sitting on the couch. I told him I stayed the night at a "friends" house, but, he didn't know of the affair, yet. We talked and talked and decided to try and make things work. We headed to the beach that weekend, which made us spend even more money. We were trying to patch up our relationship. I wanted to tell him of the affair, but couldn't.
Then I found out I was pregnant. And from that point on, everything changed. Jorge and I stayed that first night together, but in a hotel room-$$$. The next day, Jorge went to Columbia, with all of his stuff. He didn't work most of the day, so $$$000. That night, we talked and talked on the phone, I was in between going back and forth to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy, more $$. When we decided we wanted to be together, he said he would stand behind me and work towards forgiving me, he rushed home that same night.
Jorge has been home every night since that night. He has spent over $500 a week in gas to be coming back and forth every night. There are two reasons he comes home.......one, because I asked him to. We fell apart bc we were never together. 2, because of his trust for me. He knew he could never trust me again and this was the only way it could work. I have come to realize though, he doesn't come home for "us", he comes home bc he wants to make sure of what I'm doing (or not doing). We've gotten into several arguments and he always talks about he can stay in Columbia, but he doesn't. In which he has admitted, he doesn't trust me enough to leave me alone. I mentioned that I had talked to an old friend several weeks ago. That right there, was like a dagger to him. And turned out to be one for me too. He told me that it was our agreement that I could no longer have "male friends". He said that I obviously don't know where friendships end, and have shown that I'm not capable of making smart decisions in friendships with males.....(believe it or not, this happened in early November).

Trouble in our home, part 1

Just need to vent a little bit. About finances. I really don't want to just come out in public about this. Jorge and I are really going through some difficult times right now. Financial, of course. He has been doing block work, which pays considerably less than what brickwork does. After a few months, he finally told his boss that he had to be paid a certain amount every week, or wouldn't be able to continue. His boss said no prob.
It makes me so upset that Jorge couldn't just quit and come back home. This throws us off so bad. He doesn't realize what kind of a financial bind this is putting us in. I don't even know what to think or say anymore. When I am thinking about finances, I try not to tell him. He finally bugs me enough that I tell him that we have to pay such and such this week. He gets all defensive and says that money is the only thing I can think about, I don't think about how hard he works. Or he tells me that when he's upset, it's because I brought up finances and only causes him to think about those nonstop. He pushes me to talk to him, but then he doesn't want to hear it. When I tell him that I've had enough with having to be the one responsible to pay everything, he apologizes and says he'll think about me more.
Jorge never looks at one bill. When I tell him we owe something, he brushes me off, or asks how far past the due date we can go. If I call him to tell him we have to pay something today, he says that money is all I think about.
I hate to admit it, but, we have never been so far behind on our finances. How bad is it? Our mortgage is pushing it's 3rd month behind. Which means foreclosure if they don't receive something by tomorrow. After tomorrow, they won't accept a payment and will start foreclosure. The sad thing? Our home has already gone into foreclosure once....and we've only lived here a year and a half. We had to pay over $6000 to get everything situated and keep our house.
Well, in order to pay that $6000, we had to take out 2 car loans-one on my mom's car and another one on our truck, and we had to borrow $1000 from a good friend. We had no choice but to pay her back right away......she had been laid off. Then Jorge decides to go to Mexico, takes the money we were supposed to use to pay the loans, and use it for the trip. That put us behind $3000 more. So that meant, we were behind already, by $8000. Now, we're behind on our mortgage, on one of the loan payments. We're behind 2 months on my van, pushing the 3rd now. We were behind on our cellphones, which got cut off, making us switch to prepaid. We couldn't afford the $1200 to pay the amount due on the cellphones (which was only 2 months btw). Our electricity, water/gas has been cut off every month for the past several months. Which meant, scrape up money or borrow to pay those. You can't fall behind on those payments though. The house phone, was disconnected 2 weeks ago, 'cause the bill was $300. Which means, our internet will probably be cut off if we don't pay it by the weekend.
We have made a monthly payment on our house and van, but that only pays one month that we're behind, and then just throws another month. Does that make sense?? We've made one payment a month, but not enough to take us out of danger.
I'm so beyond stressed....it's ridiculous.

If I'm gone for awhile.......

I'm sorry. I really don't want to post anything on our birth board. I'm sorry. I just don't want to bore anyone with the details over there......I already know what the first thing will be that pops into their heads.
Jorge and I are just at a very difficult time again. Jorge said something last night and it just made me flip out. It was just a very snide remark that was very unnecessary. My Dad was missing and we were frantically searching for him, at least I was. Jorge had to make a very rude comment (pertaining to the affair) in trying to "help" the search for my father. He was recommending we look in a certain spot.....Anywho. He knew that it was wrong. It was very very wrong. Especially considering that we've been doing just fine.
From that point, everything went wrong. After my mom found my Dad, we started driving home. Then mom called to say she was out of gas, so we had to flip around and get her some gas. He knew I was pissed and kept saying mean things. When we finally got home, he said that he didn't know why I was mad. He said that if I didn't enjoy it or love it (the time of the affair), then it shouldn't hurt or be considered mean, when he makes comment like those. He said if I really regretted it, then I should agree with him making comments and not get upset.
It was just so wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. He also called me a Bitch last night. So wrong. I've done what I can to prove myself to him. I've given up every right as a woman and a mom to please him. He prayed night and day that my pregnancy would disappear......and it happened. He got his prayers and wishes. He still wasn't happy. I just don't understand.
So, anyway, if I'm gone for a little while, that's why. I'm trying not to get online, that way I don't have to bore anybody with the rest of the details of my misery. Nobody else deserves to go through it. I'll come online and try and keep up, but, to have normal conversation, I don't think I can do right now.
I have been so depressed. I went back on my antidepressants. I don't know why this has bothered me so much. I keep breaking out in tears. I can't stop crying. I cried all night long. I've been crying all morning. I don't know why I can't stop crying. It hurts so bad. I feel so alone.